Notes of A CrocodileBook - 2017
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It was a clandestine form of dating—the kind where the person you're going out with doesn't know it's a date. I denied myself, and I denied the fact that she was part of my life, so much so that I denied the dotted line that connected the two of us and our entire relationship to a crime.
For a long time, my hidden shame had made me push everyone away. I'd rejected them before they could reject me. I ran away from close relationships even with people who loved me.
When all is said and done, you and I aren't quite cut from the same cloth. Society still considers you a normal woman. Your love for me was a feminine, maternal love that can just as easily be extended to any man. Basically the only difference between you and other women is that your heart is more open. But me, our relationship left me fundamentally altered. You tore me open and exposed the man inside. That new me has no rightful place within humanity. I don't think you've been cast out. You can still return to that place where I'm no longer allowed.
Zhi Rou took a gulp of beer and puffed on her cigarette. She looked so tough that I had to chuckle. Then she grew solemn. "Lazi, there's something you once said that I've always remembered: 'Only healthy people are capable of being in love. Using love to treat an illness just makes the illness worse.' I realize that's exactly what I did: I used love to fight illness, and it ruined me. I have to change my ways. I can't be like that anymore."
[Zhi Rou said,] "I have a huge existential void, and no one can make me happy. When I'm with a man, I see the beauty of a woman's soul, and I wish I were free all over again. But I can't be with a woman, either, because then I fantasize to death about men's bodies."
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